I feel like the ball just dropped on the new year. I have zero understanding of how we got to June and 90 degree weather. I feel like the days have begun to blend together and the structure that we had in another lifetime is gone. Do I blame the pandemic or grief? It is hard to decipher what changes make lasting impressions or if maybe, they all do.
The unmistakeable cycle of life is all so completely unaffected by our unhappiness. Loss is not something that nature, for example, lingers on. She keeps moving forward with her energy on creating more and new life. This slow festering wound we must live with is man made and dangerous. I am easily defeated by my own thoughts -forget about the thoughts of others. To be more like mother nature would be ideal, however I am certain that there is a purpose to the pain. Recently a friend shared the news of her friends cancer diagnosis and the devastation at knowing that this could be the end of a young woman’s story. It is so cruel to be the one left behind. To be the one wondering what could have changed the script.
In this season of life so much is uncertain. What will our children grow up to be? What will I grow up to be? Are we doing enough for ourselves, each other, the community? What does it actually take to survive the death walk? Oxymoron I know. What does it take to survive society and the constant new “normal”. Did we create anything beautiful from the madness that was 2020? We have the ability to change the world, to end hunger and homelessness, to begin to correct the damage to the planet. Yet …instead we focus on control. Controlling women and gender, and sexuality. It’s maddening. How did the land of opportunity and unlimited possibilities become so stifling? I know.. it’s always been this way and worse for different people at different times. I am not a fan.
In this overwhelming season of life I have had some interesting conversations. A new friend made a comment to me about my leadership abilities. She said she was really excited to work with someone who was a natural leader like me. I admit that I have always been comfortable with leading things if only because I like to control the outcomes. Unfortunately, I feel like my reach is so small. I spend my work life helping people structure their finances to invest in real estate, and at night I volunteer for my daughters show choir board, and for myself I try to write my book. I also teach yoga and spend time monthly earning my next designation. When I write all of the things I do down, I recognize that there is not much time left for anything else. So often I find myself both overwhelmed and bored. There is not enough time for the things I need to do, let alone those I want to do. How do you switch the focus and give yourself a life you are proud of without letting anyone down or seeming selfish? Is it a case of “life is too short” or perhaps we make life too complicated doing things that we think we are supposed to do and not necessarily what we want to do.
Deciding who we want to be and what the story of our lives looks like seems to be a journey that takes your whole existence. Most of us come to our end thinking of all the things that we did not do or should’ve done differently. I refuse to go out like that. My plans are big and ridiculous and I hope that you also have plans that seem far fetched. I want to swim in every ocean, I want to hold sand from the floor of the colosseum in Rome, I want to stand at the door of St Peters and take in all the history, both its beauty and its horror. I want to spend months in England reading dusty books in quiet shops while sipping tea, I want to stand on a balcony off a cliff in Greece and eat the daily catch, I want to dance around a fountain in Positano, I want to feel like a speck in the presence of the mountains of Switzerland, I want to fish in a Norwegian village of my ancestors, I want to own a home in the mountains and garden barefoot and free, I want to keep bees, I want to walk Culloden Moor and feel the power of the brave men who fought and died for their freedom, I want to visit Oregon for my mom, I want to spend time watching whales in Washington, I want to enjoy Lobster Fest in Maine, and I want to feel like I lived every moment for freedom, for education, for adventure. Time may not really be on my side, but hopefully there is time enough to be happy with how I have used it.
I will plan and I will do. In action we give others the permission to act themselves. Is anyone paying attention to what I do? Who knows? Is anyone actually capable of living their life to the ” Fullest”? I hope so. Heres to making all my desires come true before I am too old to enjoy them!! I feel like I should double dog dare you to make your desires come true. Wait… triple dog dare you. xo
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